Lately, I haven't been sleeping well. I regularly wake up several times in the night, staring at the ceiling and wondering why my brain is in overdrive. There is an underlying anxiety bubbling up to the surface now that my departure date is drawing near, and I guess it is manifesting itself in insomnia. Not so awesome. When I do sleep, I sometimes have travel anxiety dreams. Generally, they follow the same plot line: I leave home on some random day without preparing at all. I show up in a foreign country (conveniently accessible by speedy dream plane) with no money, no plan, and a nagging feeling that I really shouldn't be there. I'm know it's normal to experience anxiety before a big life change, but I wish I could go back to being blindly excited. It would be much easier to leave home.
I have spent so much time looking forward to new adventures that I haven't given much thought to what it will be like to leave my current life behind. Now that the time has finally come, I'm starting to realize just how jarring it will be to leave home. I have been living with my parents since I returned to Columbus in September. I've been sleeping in a familiar bed, eating dinner with my family, and generally falling back into the routine of "home" for nearly a year. Since I've returned to Columbus, we've gotten a puppy who has been an enormous comfort and a wonderful addition to our family. As a huge animal person, this will be a very hard goodbye. As silly as it is, there's even a tiny part of me that's scared he won't recognize me when I come back. I feel like it's important to emphasize the fact that my enthusiasm about my trip has not at all lessened; in fact, I often find myself grinning from ear to ear just thinking about how soon I will be on a plane bound for Australia. I am so, so grateful that I have the incredible opportunity to pursue my boldest dream. I just know now, more than ever, that making the dream reality -- getting on that plane -- won't be easy.
Jumping into the unknown is not necessarily in my nature, but in recent years, I have pushed myself more and more to step out of my comfort zone. I left a large, reputable university to attend a tiny, alternative school on the Maine coast. I took a summer internship that launched me on a career path which, while not lucrative, completely embodies my greatest passions. I sailed on a schooner for a week in the Gulf of Maine; I canoed down the Swanee River in southern Georgia; I spent weeks living on a 3-acre rock, happy as a clam; I conducted original research on killer whales in Washington and lived alone in a bare-bones apartment to do it. Through these experience, I became more and more self-assured in my ability to work through discomfort in order to break new ground. I know this trip will be the biggest test of all. I am worried, I am scared, I am tingling with excitement. I am standing on a precipice, and I'm not completely sure if I'm ready to fall. I find some solace in this discomfort because I know it means my life is about to change in a big way; as much as change frightens me, in my life, it has always come with growth and discovery. This trip will be a big leap...here's to new places, new people, new adventures.
- “When your views on the world and your intellect are being challenged and you begin to feel uncomfortable because of a contradiction you’ve detected that is threatening your current model of the world … pay attention. You are about to learn something.” – William Drury
That is one of my favorite quotes!!!
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